When Darkness Threatens, Look for Fireflies

“Turn on the light!”

He bellows in a rage from his bedroom. There is a tremor in his voice. I know rage that sounds so angry stems from fear, a fear I’ve yet been able to teach him to move beyond outside of my physical pressence. How he can sleep with the light on I’ll never know. I know his imagination is over active that the shadows of the dark loom frighteningly in the corners of the room and so he sleeps with the lamp on, when he finally sleeps.

I couldn’t have imagined the bedtime battle this little man would bring to our lives. Certainly I’ve been convinced of every different reason I have read or others would so kindly suggest to me as to why he can’t self soothe and fall asleep: it was my bad parenting, my soft heart at his developmental peek, because I breastfed him for so long, the “because he’s your boy” philosophy, random coincidence, his snuggly personality, lack of continuity in a busy household… The list is inexhaustible and I’ve convinced myself of every possible one at one point or another. Why did the Billington “Bath, Book, Bed” routine not work for him, still does not work for him, but did the others? Let’s all take a collective sigh from the burden of “I am responsible” parental exhaustion.

But the truth is, I too have been afraid of the dark.

There is such uncertainty in the dark. The boarders and perimeters bleed into the shadows. I trip in the dark, much more often than normal, sometimes I even fall flat on my face, dirt crusted tears form on my cheeks and my muddied fists pound unsteady ground. My senses are in overdrive in the dark. Did you hear that? Did you see that? I feel alone in the dark, grasping, reaching for something or someone to steady my walk, angry that I would even want that, that I couldn’t do it on my own. It is colder in the dark.

At the same time, there are times in my life when I choose to walk deeper into the darkness instead of out towards the light. But when I do this, I’m left insecure, hurt, lonely and unsure. I’m thankful that these feelings are indicators for me now, warning signs, along the darkened path that beckon me to look for the fireflies and head back into the light.

Like the print on the wall in my office.  It moves me every time I sit and really look at it.  Hundreds of beautiful children, all colours, ages, sizes, walking out of the darkened woods, surrounded by little lightning bugs, glowing in radiant light. It reminds me of one of the verses from the Bible that has guided me for nearly 20 years now. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8

I love the statement words, the choice words in this verse, the “you are”, and “walk”. These are statements, choices to make. When I’m choosing darkness, I can change that because because of who I am, because of who I follow. “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 NIV

When I look to the Bible, and practice Jesus’s way of life and living, when I focus on who He says I am, when I ask him to guide my steps, the darkness of insecurity, hurt, loneliness and uncertainty fall away next to the light of life. This is the walk. This is the choice. This is the practice. This is his invitation. I know it can sound like “Christian pretty language” but it is a truth that isn’t just figurative, but one I choose to walk out every day and it has made all the difference.

So let’s turn on the light. Let’s be fireflies for children and adults alike and watch them walk out of darkness into light.